that’s not me or you

I talked myself into signing up on Facebook a couple months ago. I wanted to find out about a high school reunion gathering and needed to be a member to gain access to that page. So I stopped analyzing it and created an account. At first it was interesting. I ran into people I hadn’t seen for a while and found out about some connections I had through a few people that I didn’t know about. But then I settled in and started watching. And oh how I hated it. Why on earth do I need to know when someone I only knew in high school is getting their tooth filled? Why do I need to know someone ate too much candy and now needs to work out to get beach ready? I always know about my friends I talk to daily so I would know what they were doing before they posted they were going skiing. I also began to notice people I knew acted differently in this cyber world. They gloated, they shared stuff I knew was bending the truth, they portrayed themselves in ways I knew weren’t true. It made me wonder why people are interested in sharing parts of themselves with people they barely know or only used to know. It’s all a ruse. It’s all a popularity contest. I wasn’t interested in that in high school and I certainly am not interested in that as a 35 year old adult. I like intimate relationships and am not interested in even that many of those. I know the people I know for who they really are…I’m not interested in their cyber person…and I’m not interested in those I shared a brief moment with way back when we were all forced to exist within the same walls for 4 years. Facebook was noise and wasted time I should be spending with the real people that matter. I’ll take my friends in the real world and leave the rest where they were…in my past.

the commute

People find out where I live and how far I commute everyday and can’t imagine doing it themselves. They want to know how I spend so much time in the car everyday. They tell me that I’m missing out on valuable free time I could be spending doing other things. But what they don’t realize is they are the ones missing out. Cause see, my drive in to work every morning takes me down about 15 miles of highway that is out and away from the city. And what they also don’t realize is that along this highway I get to see so much. I see us move through the actual seasons. I see the first leaves change. I travel through icy mornings where every branch is frozen and glistening and watch the trees break when the icy weight gets to be too much. I see the first green emerge in spring. I drive through fog and under fog. I see the sun drop off the horizon. I smell the rain. I hear the quiet. I watch it snow and then melt. I watch the hawks patrol the roadsides. Everyone else hustles and bustles through the neighborhoods and city streets of suburbia and they miss this all. Suddenly its winter and they don’t know where the fall went. I do…I saw it happen. So yea, I might spend a little more time in the car…but at the sacrifice of a few extra minutes everyday I get to see.

day three and counting

I hate January. I don’t remember when it started or why, but it is a really hard month to get through. I assume it has something to do with the let down that comes after the holidays. The end of the year is pretty packed with festivities and gatherings and planning and celebrating. And then there is nothing and suddenly I find myself in the most miserable month of the year for Kansans. And so the thoughts creep in and I am never really sure how I’ll get through. I’ll wake up in the middle of the night in a panic because I can’t get out of my head the fact that one day I’m gonna die. I’ll hyperventilate on the way home from work thinking about how eventually I’m gonna lose the people that i care about the most. I’ll discover its so hard to breathe that the only thing I can do is go to sleep. January brings dread, fear, panic, no hope, sadness, desperation. For 31 days I can only breathe one breath at a time.