the tribe has spoken

It’s been 12 weeks since I was laid off and 7 weeks since I started my new job. It’s weird to be here and not there, it’s weird that I didn’t get to make that choice myself and it’s weird I’m now part of the “I was laid off” crowd.

Being laid off burst my bubble of the promise land I heard about throughout college and made me feel completely worthless. I came out of college thinking I was gonna have this great career where I would continue to make more and more money and that money was gonna make me happy. And then that dream was pulled out from under me in an instant on a Thursday morning in January. And it made me realize that dream doesn’t and can’t exist anymore. I realized now all I could do was figure out how to just stay employed and exist (safely and quietly) somewhere in the middle. And try and be happy THERE.

I’ve fallen into someplace like that now but I still get all tripped up in the whole thing. I start these wallowing conversations with the husband trying to figure out what happened, why it happened and who was responsible. The other night I finally asked him, “Did I not play the game right? Should I have done something differently?” (I ask these questions b/c I think I’m terrified it will happen again). And my very laid back, blue collar working husband says to me, “I think you were fantastic at playing the game. But you have to accept the fact the tribe just spoke too soon. And you have to be okay with that.”

Now, while I haven’t decided whether that analogy is genius or whether it just means we watch too much tv…I’m going to go with genius for now. Because he’s right. I have to accept I played the best way I knew how and that I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I want to be the player like Colby who played the game his way. He was the guy who wanted to win up against another great player. He took an equal player to the end and ultimately lost. But he had no regrets.

So I can’t be mad or upset at those who played a different game to stay where they are. I didn’t want to play that strategy. I’m okay that me being me and me speaking my mind and me never standing down didn’t get me as far in the game as I had hoped. Because in the end I can say I still played MY game and for that I’ll never be sorry.

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